Satire
Recently, New Castle High School has gone through the tedious process of inhibiting student’s use of many different technological tools to make their education easier and more accessible. Or, that’s what the foolish, brainwashed AP students want you to think.
NCHS is actually doing everyone a favor! By removing these devices of technological convenience they instead treat their students to the brute truth of the world. The school does its job in educating students through classroom curriculum and inhibition of accommodation; a common occurrence in the real world. So, the NCHS Phoenix has come up with many different regulations that the school can implement to further teach students how to be more resourceful with their staggeringly inefficient technology.
Regulation One – Return to Chalkboards
While removing phones and laptops are effective, NCHS needs to completely snuff out the students’ need for technology. It would be hypocritical for the teachers to be using technology to make their lives easier, so the removal of digital whiteboards is absolutely necessary to maintain a fair environment. The reimplementation of physical chalkboards and whiteboards will help remove the reliance on technology in the classroom while transitioning teachers back into a time where information needs to be accessed regardless of a wifi connection. If a teacher is seen using this grotesque misuse of technology, they will be pursued, silenced, and promptly blacklisted from any future education-based employment.
Regulation Two – Personal Device Destruction
NCHS aims to remove the use of personal devices so that students must use old, inefficient, horrendous, downright bottom-of-the-barrel technology. It is quite intelligent of NCHS to force its students to trudge through horrendous circumstances. Some students, however, may be ‘open-minded.’ They may still use efficient technology in order to make their life more convenient! Luckily, NCHS has the upper hand. If a student is seen harboring any technology that has more than 2 available gigabytes of RAM, then the school may apprehend the student and destroy their personal device in front of them; a fair and justifiable punishment.
Regulation Three – Removal of Instigation
Some Students, even if they abide by the school’s rules, may still spread dirty untruths in order to harbor rebellion. This lingering influence could cause unrest or even a union of students who work in tandem to break the rules. NCHS will not stand for speech that opposes the school’s just regulation! Students who are found to be spreading their twisted rhetoric will be met with a calm and orderly re-education session with a school counselor. The student will be removed from class and will undergo strenuous learning throughout the entirety of a school day. Afterwards, the student will be completely remade into a rule-following role model that can’t help but smile.
Regulation Four – Complete Inhibition
Sadly, much to the dismay of NCHS, some students are broken from the moment they stain this beautiful world with their degrading presence. They do not follow our rule and, to make matters worse, they speak out against our glorious system. These cretins cannot be tamed nor retaught. They must face a more permanent solution; one where these degenerates can not plague the powerful NCHS! They will be taken, removed from the school that they remain so insistent on tormenting. Through an advanced curriculum, the students’ wasteful self will finally be used to its utmost potential. They will undergo a metamorphosis, one where their babbling brain can be put to rest. This change will not only help the school by removing the trash of the world, but it will also turn these vile wretched creatures into something that all the functional students can make use of. And with all the excess leftovers, the school doesn’t have to purchase as much food for the students. NCHS prides itself on optimization and efficiency.
In conclusion-
As NCHS continues to tighten its grip around its many students, we here at the NCHS Phoenix hope that the school carefully considers our proposals. We hope that the school can truly follow its endeavor in annihilating any opposition against its great rule.
